In the past three months I have been the best version of myself. It is incredible how setting and energies affect our beings. I don’t know myself well enough to control or properly react to negativity, but the time I’ve been here I noticed how I can be better as a person.
I have so much to work on, but I’m so happy where I am heading.
Overcoming fears, dealing with my demons. I am as free as the wind, and I will enjoy every emotion, phase and period that might come my way.
Because there is a time to be sad, and I am glad I took the time to feel it, really understand the darkness I was going through. Now it’s time to let go of everything that held me back.
I am finally starting to see the waves that come and go, now I appreciate them.
I am able to find peace in little precious moments and enjoy people’s company as long as they are a present part of my life.
I don’t need to try to be someone I am not, I don’t need to look at the mirror and waste time thinking of how I could be more attractive, or funny or try to come up with the best sarcastic lines.
I can just be. I am enough.
What is relationship? What is family?
I have created and idealistic idea of what relationships should be and what family represents.
So it hit me. I’m a realist.
Because I understood that everything in life is a choice, even family. And sometimes you don’t get chosen.
You have to be strong for yourself, because no one will.
No one will ever complete you, understand you, care for you and make you feel better about yourself.
I always thought that people had the secret to make loneliness disappear. I thought that people could be united, be a community.
Because love isn’t enough most of the time, love requires sacrifice and everyone is too selfish for that. We are too hurt for that.
This post is super one-sided, yes I know.
I just think it’s interesting to look at what reality is, and just be aware.
Once you are aware of this, you free yourself from putting such weight on other people, and you take a weight off your shoulders.
We are who we are, and we carry demons and struggles that we either do not want to share or do not want to deal with.
As I get tired of e-mails with numeric questions as if my life was bullet points.
I am deeper, we are deeper. You are an ocean in a drop, unfortunately people will never grasp a glimpse of who you truly are, you might never grasp it either.
So, cry, laugh, close your eyes and feel the wind on a summer night. Appreciate being around others who are as deep as you could possibly imagine.
Worship your god, smile, sing and feel the sun.
Life is too short to think you have all the answers, to impose them on others, we are but a breath. Just. Be.
Because nothing stays the same, except now. And now you have yourself.
Shouldn’t that be enough?
Looking through Dorothea Lange photographs I am so inspired, she achieves in her portraits, the beauty of the reality and the harshness of the human condition.
Nowadays I think, it must be nearly impossible to capture such authenticity out of people. We’re so stimulated by media and the self-centered generation, that people don’t let their guard down.
You show up with a camera and they already have their ‘pose’ ready.
I’m sorry world.
Sorry that I’ve been hurt, sorry that I chose not to believe in relationships. Pardon me for wanting to stay away from the pressure of being part of someone’s life.
Sorry because I don’t wanna represent what I was asked to represent without having a choice. I’m sorry I don’t feel it, sorry I couldn’t be what others expected me to be.
I’m sorry I got tired of trying. Pardon me for not letting people close enough to hurt me.
I’m sorry I have an intuition voice that’s always right, sorry I’m not a good friend. I never learned how to, I don’t know what to do. Pardon me for not getting close enough to people so I wouldn’t hurt them.
Sorry that I’m selfish, that everyone is selfish. I’m sorry I don’t wanna put on the effort. I’m sorry I’m not good enough, sorry you’re not good enough.
Pardon me for disappearing. I’m sorry I have issues. Sorry I prefer to smile through short memories instead of long term commitments. I’m sorry I am difficult.
But guess what?
You don’t have to expect anything from me, you have the opportunity to go and do your thing. I’m not a project you can take on.
I’m not alone, but I’m not rooted. That used to bother me, maybe it still does, but I’m better off this way.
Done with venting.
I sold my camera, and as I forget to charge my GoPro, I’ll write a little bit more.
The smell of spring, the energy of a content heart. Nothing beats it. Finding joy in walking and feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin. I breath gratitude. It’s amazing to be alive, and I took that for granted for far too long.
It has been a rough couple of years, full of questioning and loneliness. Nothing has changed, except the way I see things. I didn’t realize till today. I had a conversation with a couple of people that recognized me at a cafe. They said, “You’re straight from Brazil right? Wow, you’re crazy, I could never do that! What if it doesn’t work? What if everything you left behind is for nothing?”
Normally, these questions haunt me, but hearing them today made me think, how could I give such questions all of my time? I can’t worry about what doesn’t exist.
I had peaceful words as an answer. I said, “I don’t worry about that, all I know is that I’m following my passion, and if it doesn’t work I can always sell coconut water at a Brazilian beach.” They smiled.
"I wish I was like that, I guess I want…"
I interrupted him.
We stared at each other. I didn’t want to enforce my ideas on him, so I stood there in silence.
I think it’s so interesting how we always want to control, control, control. When our own life is a miracle completely out of our hands. By trying to control what doesn’t exist (the future) you limit yourself. Now, I’m not being an extremist here, having long-term life goals is definitely something I believe.
If only we took the time to balance things, to have plans but to live the present. Because if we don’t live the now, we’re not living at all.
I said, “Well, I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
Sometimes I write about movies here.
I saw Noah yesterday. Many people have been disappointed with Darren Aronofsky’s take on this famous tale. Now, if the viewer bases his or her expectations of the movie off of the Bible they will not be happy.
But here is what I enjoyed about the film, it’s not about the Bible, or the accuracy with the story’s facts. It’s about wickedness vs. innocence, about the way humanity deals with the divine. It’s a humanized take on Noah.
I really found interesting how God is portrayed as being there but not really being present. He speaks to Noah, yet he doesn’t do it in a clear obvious way. The divine is always silent. The film goes through the way humans deal with that silence.
The family dynamics were really well portrayed. It points at the tension of following the divine’s command even when it requires sacrifices. Noah, in the film, really felt he was doing what the divine wanted. It broke him, it broke his family, the sacrifice was too great.
It leaves room for some great questions about the sacerdotal intermediaries and their roles as being humans used by and in ‘communication’ with the divine.
Finally at the end Noah understands that the divine put in his hands a choice, and he chose love. Another fascinating idea of the divine wanting to destroy everything by making it new and Noah trying to understand his role in the big picture.
I don’t think ‘I liked or I disliked’ are words ever to be used as describing a film.
I really enjoyed the concepts Darren Aronofsky explored in this famous story, it’s definitely worth spending some time pondering on it.