I look so different with straight hair. Hehe. About to go to the airport
I think I don’t know how to properly love someone, if there is such thing. How do you become someone’s special individual?
Cold is a word most people use to describe me, but for someone who’s so used to being by oneself I find it so much easier.
I always feel as my presence is bringing some type of annoyance, and I have expectations to fulfill, having to act a certain way.
I say such things because I sabotage myself as well, I make it harder for people to know me.
But I’m good, being by myself is good. Don’t have to worry if anybody is at the ER, don’t have to make sure someone is okay, I don’t have to worry if someone misunderstood what I was trying to say, I don’t want to be afraid of losing someone, I don’t wanna miss someone, and all that jazz.
I’m good, dealing with my problems myself. I don’t need someone to listen to my deepest and scariest places just for them to use that against me. I’m fine, I’ll just travel. I’ll just keep smiling.
Because I’m tired of trying to go deep. People are hard work.
I have always complained no one wanted to take the time to work on me. Well, as of now, I don’t wanna work on anybody either.
Do you realize how stupid this all sounds? I do.
Don’t take me too seriously though. I’m just venting.
New song I wrote
Finally recorded this song on a better quality. But I just have to face it, I’m never completely happy with my recordings though. eh.
Here we go again.
I like writing. I’m not good at it, but I enjoy it. When my thoughts get louder the only way to release them is to first write them down. It seems as if I can understand myself better after I put it into written words.
I have three things on my mind: Spirituality, friendship and sadness.
It’s hard to realize the world is not black and white. Shades of gray are everywhere and I don’t quite know how to deal with them yet.
I came to the conclusion that most people rely on “spiritual” authority figures and organizations to dictate their beliefs and lifestyles— which is interesting since spirituality is such a personal path— This only does harm, some people use it as an excuse and it gets me frustrated.
Frustrated because it closes people’s minds, it closed my mind for a good decade.
I want to find a way to exercise my own beliefs without relying on an organization.
But then, realizing most people DO rely on such figures and organizations makes me understand why they exist. Because without them some people wouldn’t be able to have any kind of spirituality. (or because they make people not feel so guilty and hide behind labels such as denominations)
That brings me to my question: Having these organizations and authority figures dictating one’s beliefs, brings them to a full honest and real spiritual path?
I want to make friendships work. I do. But the people I have a daily contact with are just too childish.
Now, do not think I’m clamming to be better than them or anything like that. That’s really not what it is.
I has more to do with me than to them. I want to sit down and talk about serious topics, I want to go to museums and get excited over a day where I just lay down on a grassy field and watch the clouds. I want to be aware of my existence and share that with others so we could all be enlightened together. I want to say words and mean them, I don’t want to play games of trying to get the most people to like me because I managed to make the most sarcastic comment in the room.
I do like playful times and some silliness here and there. Just not all the time.
And I realize most people want to stay away from such topics. They don’t want to deal with them. But I do, I want to understand the good and the bad, especially the bad.
Which brings me to my last topic: sadness.
I’ve been really sad lately. The difference between now and before is that I want to experience sadness and remain in it as long as it lasts.
Because I grew up thinking sadness was to be casted away, and positivity was the only thing my mind could focus on.
Nothing bad about positivity, except when one is happy or too positive, one is blinded to the realities of this world.
We cannot understand happiness and positivity if we don’t understand sadness, despair and conflict.
Happiness, positivity and joy are only real when one has truly decided to follow this path, understanding the pain of human suffering and deciding to deal with this pain on a different way.
A fool is one who thinks happiness overcomes and substitutes despair and suffering, happiness is a different perspective on things, but it doesn’t mean that life will stop being hard.
It was nice to vent with whoever is reading this. And if you are, thank you.
She sits on the couch trying to study for a very important test.
Looking through the trees outside of the window, the sun rays peak through.
It’s so beautiful.
Somewhere deep down her chest hurts more than usual, that pain transforms itself into hard tears that draw her face.
She doesn’t dare to say a word.
Who is there to listen?
"You are always sad" words a naive little boy told her, words that resigned with her.
Should she be ashamed of experiencing sadness?
She certainly feels so, since people look down on feelings like this.
Will the pain ever go away?